Scene: A common or garden Garden in the suburbs of South East London. A quince tree is laden with fruit.
Partyspanner: “This is going to be the year that I actually make something with this fruit”
Tom: “What fruit?”
Partyspanner: “This quince”
Montage of images of Partyspanner going to work, arguing at a petrol station, frowning at some paperwork and then laughing uproariously with a work colleague.
Exterior – Garden. Quince tree is completely bare of fruit.
Partyspanner looks bewildered and then starts burrowing through the oriental grasses under the tree to find the fruits, swearing as she gets more cuts on her inner arms than an emo.
Close up of harvested Quince
Partyspanner: “I’m going to make some chutney!”
Partyspanner is crying as she peels and attempts to core a fruit which is, literally, made out of rock. The viewer can feel her frustration as she tries, and fails, repeatedly to get some kind of flesh from the fruit.
Partyspanner: “SOD THIS!” (said angrily)
“I’m going to boil the crap out of this thing and then push it through a sieve, there’s no way I can peel and core this amount of quince without triggering arthritis”
Partyspanner watches TV like a dullard, slack jawed.
Voiceover by partyspanner: “I wonder why no one on the internet, or anywhere in my myriad of cookery books, hasn’t thought of boiling the flesh off the fruit before – they must all be idiots! I think I’ve invented a thing! I am a genius”
It becomes clear that the reason no one boils the fruit is because the flesh just turns to mush and leaves the peel and the core.
Partyspanner shakes her head and gets to peeling the remainder of the quince fruit.
MUSIC: “You’re My Favourite Waste of Time”
Partyspanner is visiably sweating, but has managed to peel the quince and has a bowl full of grated fruit and a bowl of peelings and cores.
Partyspanner: “FUCKING QUINCE!”
Partyspanner is peeling apples – the first experiment in boiling the quinces has resulted in serious lack of fruit for the chutney – apples will make up the difference.
Close up of apples:
Interior: Kitchen. An array of ingredients, peelings and spices:
Partyspanner: “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING HERE!”
Oliver: “What time are we setting off the fireworks?”
Partyspanner: “I AM BUSY!”
Oliver: “Yeah, when are we going to do the fireworks though?”
Partyspanner: “WAIT! hang on, let me just…wait…I”M BUSY!”
Oliver: “Can I have a sparkler now?”
Partyspanner: “I’m going to roast the spices first. I’m using turmeric, garlic salt, juniper berries, mustard seeds, ground cumin and half a chilli – starting with the mustard seeds in a little oil “
Partyspanner then adds the chopped onion and ensures that all the ingredients are incorporated
Partyspanner then adds the fruit – both apples and grated quince and shakes over some black onion seeds.
400g sugar and 500 ml of cider vinegar and a teaspoon of of salt is added to the mix, and the chutney is left to simmer for hours…
MEANWHILE – Partyspanner has discovered that a big bag of marshmallow has gone missing (SUBPLOT)
After 2 seconds of interrogation, Oliver admits that he ate the marshmallows.
FAST FORWARD 3 HOURS
Interior – Kitchen. Everyone is coughing and eyes watering from the vinegar vapours
Partyspanner: “The way to tell that chutney is ready is when you can run a wooden spoon through the mix and leave a trail that isn’t immediately filled”
Tom: “MAN ALIVE! The house smells like FEET!”
Oliver: “Mum? What’s for dinner? It smells AWFUL!”
Partyspanner “Leave me alone”
Partyspanner: “Time to bottle up”
Partyspanner spoons the chutney into the jars – getting rid of any air bubbles and placing a piece of waxed paper on the top of each jar.
The jars cool
And are then topped by a cellophane wrapper and lid
This Chutney needs to mature for a couple of months…To Be Continued.