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How to throw a tropical beach party
*whimpers*
As I write this blog, I am gazing about like a blinking owl. My left leg hurts and Oliver is still in bed (at two O’clock in the afternoon). The kitchen still looks like a hurricane of food has blown through it and the back garden…the less I say about that the better. I think we can safely say that the party was a ROARING SUCCESS.
I woke up horrifically early yesterday morning with a jolt. The night before had been spent cooking batches of cupcakes and I had completely forgotten to wrap Olly’s presents and so, I started the day in a frenzied search for some sellotape (which by the way, should be featured in Harry Potter books as an example of an amazing disappearing substance. It doesn’t matter how much of it I buy, I can never bloody find ANY OF IT when I need to) which I couldn’t locate and so ended up wrapping his gifts which craft glue. A great start to the day, I’m sure you agree.
The morning was spent icing cupcakes and cornets filled with sweets and decorating the shed/playhouse.
*cracks whip*
The beach hut (Yes, I STILL know it's a shed)
It's like we're in Hawaii
As I had decided that the food was going to comprise of burgers, hotdogs and sausages in buns the food preparation was at a minimum. This left me time to decorate the front garden and to force Tom into blowing up an inflatable banana the size of a lilo.
They look as deflated as each other.
Time then warped and suddenly people were arriving. Family members dropped by to give cards and presents to the birthday boy in advance of the party, the entertainer arrived and then the guests started flooding in. I realised that I had no idea how many people were going to descend as I hadn’t received many RSVPs (Quick note here – please respond to invitations, it makes life so much easier for the person throwing the party) and was greatly relived that more than 3 children turned up.
The entertainer was just…brilliant. 11 is a difficult age. The disparity between the more knowing and mature girls, and the boys (who spent at least half an hour wrestling and throwing plums from the tree at each other) who are in the main, still children, means that there is awkward balance to strike. Michelle (for that was her name) managed this beautifully and the kids all got really involved in the karaoke and competitions.
Every child in the universe knows the moves to cha cha slide (or whatever it's called)
God knows what song this was. It sounded like a bunch of noise to me *my mother*
So while the kids were doing the limbo, screeching Justin Bieber songs and throwing plums at each other generally having a good time, I got on with the food.
Deciding on providing hot food was just plain stupid. Why I thought that this would lessen the load on the day is now, with hindsight, completely beyond me. Am I actually mental?
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
The spread
The entertainer had to leave (BOO!) and there was still an hour to go before the party ended.
There was only one option left open to me…
Lock them in the shed...
This worked really well until they escaped and run amok with water pistols
They're out of control!
This was actually my favourite part of the whole day. To see these kids – some of whom have been coming to our parties since they were 5 – running and laughing and being children again was just…amazing and surprisingly touching.
And so, the time for it all to end was upon us.
Oliver blew out his candles…
Blowing out the candles
The children left, each and every one thanking me for a good time.
Po emerged from his hiding place…
You can come out now elderly cat
And I put my feet up, drank a glass or two of wine and fell into my bed in a messy mess.
This morning, Olly got a text from one of his friends that simply said:
“Your [sic] party was epic”
How to take a desknap
Disclaimer:
I would never advocate taking a nap at work at all ever, under any circumstances and have never ever committed such a deeply unprofessional act. If you ARE the sort of person who wants to take a nap while at work then you should be ashamed of yourself.
YOU are the reason that the government has had to make massive cuts in things like, LIBRARIES and stuff like…FOOD for poor people.
You need to take a long hard look in the mirror. Yes. Look. YOU ARE A DISGRACE.
*looks around for boss*
What a way to make a living
Right. You know those days when you’re just completely shattered? Maybe you’d been out the night before drinking cocktails or maybe you’ve been poorly, or maybe you’re just a common or garden lazy fecker…whichever you may be, I have put together a handy guide to sneaking a quick five minutes shut-eye.
Sunglasses
Sunglasses are your friend. Worried about looking like some sort of inside-it’s-not-sunny-wanker? Fear not! Blame conjunctivitis or some other sort of terrible eyeAIDS and it’s all cool. You could even say that the computer screen “hurts your eyes” (nb: do a *boohoo face* and *bottom lip* while making this declaration)
You can then appear to be checking that vital envelope delivery while actually sneaking a quick drift into the dreamworld where envelopes are not important and you are a rockstar.
Envelopes you say? I'm ON IT!
Beware though of the oft repeated mistake of shoving the sunglasses (or sleephiderers) onto the top of your head and then catching your forty winks. This is known as a DeskNap Failure and could result in ridicule, SHOUTING and disciplinary action.
The Concentrator
This one takes a little bit of subtlety and training. It is very important that you learn NOT to dribble while sleeping, and this tip is not recommended for those who snore. In fact, giving it some thought, most of these tips are not for those of us who are unable to even sleep without being a pain in the arse by making unnecessary and irritating noises and/or secreting bodily fluids.
*AHEM*
Place an “important” piece of work, or maybe an envelope brochure on the desk. The trick here is to appear to be thoroughly engrossed in the document, so engrossed that you are slightly deaf to everything else and CONCENTRATING HARD. This is a two pronged attack. The first being that your are doing something VERY IMPORTANT and mustn’t be disturbed and the second that you are so utterly interested in this amazing piece of paper that you are failing to hear anyone asking you to do anything.
I just can't decide between the self seal ones with pull off strips or the gummed ones...zzzzzzz
The Bog Sleep
Need I say more? Need I take a photo of me asleep in a toilet cubicle?
I don’t think so.
And now, let’s have a look at some of the DeskNaps which could result in you losing your job.
The Slump
OH MY GOD! You're not even hiding your sleeption.
Satisfying? YES
Refreshing? YES
Effective as a subtle way to recharge? NO. Do not do this.
You’re Fired
Sleeping on the floor
The very moment you move your DeskNap to the floor, YOU ARE LOST. Sleeping under the desk is just…wrong. Don’t do this. I mean it. *stern*
So, Sunglasses and CONCENTRATION and toilets = GOOD.
Slumping and sleeping under the desk = Bad.
Are we clear?
And so ends this weeks lecture on How To Take A Desknap.
Apart from this one little thing – I’m sure you realise that I couldn’t take these photos at work and so I have simulated working conditions.
During the “sleeping under the desk” bit I got totally photobombed by Po and thought you might like to see it:
I'm getting in on this sleeping action.
Damn Cat.
Cat Bonjela
So far this past week has been pretty crappy.
It all started last Tuesday when my cat, Po (He was a rescue cat, and he already knew his name. DON’T JUDGE ME) did his usual meow for food and I noticed his tongue looked sore.
Yeah? And? I've got a bow on my head. Want to make something of it?
Po is 16 in Human Years which makes him, like, 100 or something in cat years. I made an appointment at our vet for the following day, and managed to get him into the cat basket without too much fuss.
His tongue seemed better to me, but the vet (rubbing her hands together) told me that mouth ulcers on a cat can be a sign of kidney failure, so a blood test was required to make sure he wasn’t in need of some sort of Cat Kidney Dialyses.
Blood results were fine (the vet seemed a little put out at this) and Po was given an antibiotic shot and another of water steroid. At this point the vet suddenly decides we must come back for a secondary appointment to find out if Po has tongue cancer. I would like to show you a picture of my face at this, but I didn’t take one (looking back i could have probably asked the vet to) but I kind of looked like this:
These fingers are loaded and I'm not afraid to use them
So I made another appointment and signed over my first born son as payment.
Today was the day when I had to take Po back for his follow up appointment. Getting him into the basket was not so easy…he knew exactly what was happening this time and he was not going there without a fight. I knew how he felt.
After a wrangle, flying fur, ROWWWWWERRRRS, and sweat (and that was just me) I finally managed to imprison him and off we went.
Apparently the only way to find out if Po has tongue cancer is by performing a biopsy (!) which will require a general anaesthetic, not a great idea for a cat of such advanced years or my purse, and anyway, if he does have tongue cancer they can’t do much about it except for putting him to sleep.
So, I rejected that suggestion, and Po is on a course of steroids. I wonder if he’ll start getting Roid Rage and end up looking like:
BISCUITS. NOW.
That would be kind of OK. It might at least stop him getting beaten up in his own back garden by the local Cat Mafia (Catfia)
